Wednesday, September 14, 2011
You have only yoursewlf to count for.
Just got a bunny and she's the cutest lil thing in the world, it just makes me want to protect her with all that I have. Well, it changes things for me. It's like I know that it will be safe for me to love a pet, but when the pet is gone, I hope, or I tried to salvage the emptiness that was already there-if not, gone. Honestly, it is disheartening but I keep feeling that I need something as an anchor around, I can't feel my place, my space within. Everything is in such a mess, but she, she just made everything better. I have my boxes back in my mind, each to sift our every other bullshit. This is a relationship that I know that I will never be hurt, ever because she depends on me so much and me? I depend on her emotionally. Every new day, something tiny happens and it makes me calmer. Finally, a pet that I can stand strong with, without any fucking politics in the house.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Total mess.
Essentially, I'm going through probably the worse of the year. Many thoughts are running through on my mind and I've woken up in two consecutive days going UGH! I feel that I'm gonna hurl soon and I can kill anyone at all with my bare hands, in all honesty, it can be anyone at all, I'm not picky. I have no fucking idea as to why but I do know what triggered it- me striving for perfection and fucking it each time, with that more pressure is on and all I have in my mind was to excel. It's a horrid horrid feeling to know that you have failed and everyone is watching. Suddenly, my previous ammo of 'I have nothing to lose' seems to burst into flames, like it has never ever been there before. Am I in my own safety zone? I seem to be too comfortable with what I have now and that is throwing me off balance, what is wrong with me?
Friday, September 2, 2011
Hey there.
Today is blog post is not about love, blah, flirting, blah, emo-ness, blah.
It's about a friend.
Honestly, I know how I block out people in my life, because it isn't governed by maybe yes, maybe no. I'm a cruel bitch yes.
At this point in time, it is pretty safe to say that we have very different beliefs. Religion wise, she's a christian and I'm a tarot card reader (don't wanna consider myself as a full-fledged pagan).
I never believe so much in right and wrong, well theoretically I am only interested in what I wanna do, when I feel like, whatever that gives me the high to do it. It is always the thrill that excite me.
She has a sense of righteous that she rattled on me for a stupid incident. Me being me, I never forgot about that. And people, I was in primary school at that time. It didn't matter if a disgusting boy wanted to ask me out on a date, it didn't. It fucking mattered when a close friend rattled on me.
Fast-fowarding to secondary school when I had the most whacked out shitty years of my life, I went in and out of depression plenty of times. She brought me to her church. Sincerely, I did appreciate the time I had with the church with the friendly people, it encouraged me further in searching for that energy source when I spoke to "God", but my concept of how a belief should rule me wasn't like that. It doesn't mean that if I enjoyed having tattoos on me meant that I am spoiling God's creation. Ink became part of my personality.
It doesn't mean that if I want to hang out with people who had done it wrong meant that I can't accept their lifestyle and who they are because of what they did. It doesn't mean that they are "bad" people. It just meant that they did mistakes, and is it their fault if they didn't have God's grace on them just because our genes were keyed into used by Adam and Eve, Jesus, if you can't open up your heart and see all these people, you will start judging them.
They are not like that!
And lastly, what about those people, those that are smiling and working hard in their own lives without God? That was the answer I was searching for.
My dear friend, I've never forgotten about you but I just felt outcasted when I left church and you stopped accepting me for what I was becoming. I miss the times when we can just share and talk about anything, and no barriers. Not when you tell me that I couldn't understand what you went through and you could only tell the more experienced christians about it.
---
Enough of my vengeful rant. I just wanna say, yes I miss you. In an odd way, I suddenly receive updates and shortly, I was linked to your blog and well, for the past half an hour I spent it on emo-ing with your blog posts through the months and I realized how much we have changed but yet we grew similarly. Even if that post wasn't about me, selfish me thought it was, doesn't matter, just wish that we can do a quick catch-up soon.
love,
jo
It's about a friend.
Honestly, I know how I block out people in my life, because it isn't governed by maybe yes, maybe no. I'm a cruel bitch yes.
At this point in time, it is pretty safe to say that we have very different beliefs. Religion wise, she's a christian and I'm a tarot card reader (don't wanna consider myself as a full-fledged pagan).
I never believe so much in right and wrong, well theoretically I am only interested in what I wanna do, when I feel like, whatever that gives me the high to do it. It is always the thrill that excite me.
She has a sense of righteous that she rattled on me for a stupid incident. Me being me, I never forgot about that. And people, I was in primary school at that time. It didn't matter if a disgusting boy wanted to ask me out on a date, it didn't. It fucking mattered when a close friend rattled on me.
Fast-fowarding to secondary school when I had the most whacked out shitty years of my life, I went in and out of depression plenty of times. She brought me to her church. Sincerely, I did appreciate the time I had with the church with the friendly people, it encouraged me further in searching for that energy source when I spoke to "God", but my concept of how a belief should rule me wasn't like that. It doesn't mean that if I enjoyed having tattoos on me meant that I am spoiling God's creation. Ink became part of my personality.
It doesn't mean that if I want to hang out with people who had done it wrong meant that I can't accept their lifestyle and who they are because of what they did. It doesn't mean that they are "bad" people. It just meant that they did mistakes, and is it their fault if they didn't have God's grace on them just because our genes were keyed into used by Adam and Eve, Jesus, if you can't open up your heart and see all these people, you will start judging them.
They are not like that!
And lastly, what about those people, those that are smiling and working hard in their own lives without God? That was the answer I was searching for.
My dear friend, I've never forgotten about you but I just felt outcasted when I left church and you stopped accepting me for what I was becoming. I miss the times when we can just share and talk about anything, and no barriers. Not when you tell me that I couldn't understand what you went through and you could only tell the more experienced christians about it.
---
Enough of my vengeful rant. I just wanna say, yes I miss you. In an odd way, I suddenly receive updates and shortly, I was linked to your blog and well, for the past half an hour I spent it on emo-ing with your blog posts through the months and I realized how much we have changed but yet we grew similarly. Even if that post wasn't about me, selfish me thought it was, doesn't matter, just wish that we can do a quick catch-up soon.
love,
jo
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