Took me this long to realize.

Not sure if I should be ashamed or feeling lucky that I found my answer or rather the cause of my misery for the last few months. All the while and all the time, I was blaming it on the terms of loving someone and looking like a fool to "fight" for what I want. After a series of crying episodes, I surprised myself when I cried about HIM. Of all people, HIM. Such a wasted effort and a dumb-ass. But a breakthrough nonetheless. The whole time I was exclaiming out to the world, I belong in another place, I need to go and blah blah blah that I'm missing TS, when it's HIM. Wah, the feeling is TMD KNNCCB. The period of time that I was suffering was a pure illusion, a nightmare that I single-handedly trapped myself in. I found the root of all problems and I have once again regained my freedom. Freedom of my thoughts and emotions. Secretly, I am smiling because I start to see myself with angst when dealing with my work flow. I am exhibiting the real me, again slowly and that is just apt for the big racing event next month. I need that part of me back to cope with all the stress that has been tumbling down. So yeah, all the misses? They are just an empty blank now. Hell yeah!

You have only yoursewlf to count for.

Just got a bunny and she's the cutest lil thing in the world, it just makes me want to protect her with all that I have. Well, it changes things for me. It's like I know that it will be safe for me to love a pet, but when the pet is gone, I hope, or I tried to salvage the emptiness that was already there-if not, gone. Honestly, it is disheartening but I keep feeling that I need something as an anchor around, I can't feel my place, my space within. Everything is in such a mess, but she, she just made everything better. I have my boxes back in my mind, each to sift our every other bullshit. This is a relationship that I know that I will never be hurt, ever because she depends on me so much and me? I depend on her emotionally. Every new day, something tiny happens and it makes me calmer. Finally, a pet that I can stand strong with, without any fucking politics in the house.

Total mess.

Essentially, I'm going through probably the worse of the year. Many thoughts are running through on my mind and I've woken up in two consecutive days going UGH! I feel that I'm gonna hurl soon and I can kill anyone at all with my bare hands, in all honesty, it can be anyone at all, I'm not picky. I have no fucking idea as to why but I do know what triggered it- me striving for perfection and fucking it each time, with that more pressure is on and all I have in my mind was to excel. It's a horrid horrid feeling to know that you have failed and everyone is watching. Suddenly, my previous ammo of 'I have nothing to lose' seems to burst into flames, like it has never ever been there before. Am I in my own safety zone? I seem to be too comfortable with what I have now and that is throwing me off balance, what is wrong with me?

Hey there.

Today is blog post is not about love, blah, flirting, blah, emo-ness, blah.

It's about a friend.

Honestly, I know how I block out people in my life, because it isn't governed by maybe yes, maybe no. I'm a cruel bitch yes.

At this point in time, it is pretty safe to say that we have very different beliefs. Religion wise, she's a christian and I'm a tarot card reader (don't wanna consider myself as a full-fledged pagan).

I never believe so much in right and wrong, well theoretically I am only interested in what I wanna do, when I feel like, whatever that gives me the high to do it. It is always the thrill that excite me.

She has a sense of righteous that she rattled on me for a stupid incident. Me being me, I never forgot about that. And people, I was in primary school at that time. It didn't matter if a disgusting boy wanted to ask me out on a date, it didn't. It fucking mattered when a close friend rattled on me.

Fast-fowarding to secondary school when I had the most whacked out shitty years of my life, I went in and out of depression plenty of times. She brought me to her church. Sincerely, I did appreciate the time I had with the church with the friendly people, it encouraged me further in searching for that energy source when I spoke to "God", but my concept of how a belief should rule me wasn't like that. It doesn't mean that if I enjoyed having tattoos on me meant that I am spoiling God's creation. Ink became part of my personality.

It doesn't mean that if I want to hang out with people who had done it wrong meant that I can't accept their lifestyle and who they are because of what they did. It doesn't mean that they are "bad" people. It just meant that they did mistakes, and is it their fault if they didn't have God's grace on them just because our genes were keyed into used by Adam and Eve, Jesus, if you can't open up your heart and see all these people, you will start judging them.

They are not like that!


And lastly, what about those people, those that are smiling and working hard in their own lives without God? That was the answer I was searching for.

My dear friend, I've never forgotten about you but I just felt outcasted when I left church and you stopped accepting me for what I was becoming. I miss the times when we can just share and talk about anything, and no barriers. Not when you tell me that I couldn't understand what you went through and you could only tell the more experienced christians about it.

---

Enough of my vengeful rant. I just wanna say, yes I miss you. In an odd way, I suddenly receive updates and shortly, I was linked to your blog and well, for the past half an hour I spent it on emo-ing with your blog posts through the months and I realized how much we have changed but yet we grew similarly. Even if that post wasn't about me, selfish me thought it was, doesn't matter, just wish that we can do a quick catch-up soon.

love,
jo

Choices and tasks to be done.

I've been searching for the past few days for that passion I've lost and I seem to have found it today or rather I think I realized certain points about the things that I've been searching for. To me, earthly matters never matter much, they are like pieces of chocolates for one to enjoy, that is pretty much all.

I don't own a Blackberry or an Iphone, nor do I strive for branded goods. One of the things that I feel that I've always been searching for is my own style. I don't like to see someone having something that I've got. I'm super anal about that.

I've set aside time to with some issues and until I get on track with my new job, I'm still keen on finding my own peace and quiet.

I was still finding out why I set myself down, to get certain things done. I've found some reasons to keep me cool. It was almost like my soul was so broken and no one could understand- this includes myself.

I find that I resort to so many ways to avoid how I really feel. I keep on putting in and adding on other emotions that aren't mine. The worst part? I'm getting used to it. I think all these pretending made me tired.

I stop putting on make-up now because I feel tired and thank god for my current working environment. I stop smiling as much now because I feel tired and I don't wanna pretend anymore. I lost the reason to why I smile. All this is eating up soul up so slowly like maggots to a pie.

I guess I'm really have so much pride eh? Even if I'm hurt, I'll refuse to say it out because why? Because I'm strong enough to take care of myself and that's how it is. I can never afford to be reliant now.

"All my pride is all I have".

Sorry that I've been selfish, sorry that I just can't let you in now, sorry that I don't tell you how I really feel at times because I feel insecure when I'm weak and I hate people around.

Sidenote: To Momma, 3 years without you has been hard but I will continue to move on and be strong! I miss you.

R.I.P. 26/10/2007

Eat, Pray, Love.

Initially, I wanted to or rather, I was actually deciding on whether to do a review. Then, I just kinda strike it off because it is just unnecessary.

As you guys already know, this is by Elizabeth Gilbert, that is the only reference that I'm gonna tell ya. So if you have no idea about what the hell I'm talking about, shoo off.

I find this movie meaningful personally because it agrees with my prinicipals. Enjoy what you have and screw up, but be fine with it. Smile from within. Jump into the unknown.

I was still trying to figure out the difference between my trips and for some weird reason, I've been rating it against exposure. This goes against my theory of "things can never happen over again" idea, hence I was unable to comprehend it and gauge it because it was too far off.

I guess the worst thing was; I had expectations. I have hoped that things remain as it was in my memories. Naive me. I had the innate ability to adapt but also to observe, but not this time.

I thought that I was more exposed to everything, maybe I really was but a part of me held back.

The more I was trying to find "freedom" or to enjoy the moment, the more I had control, the more I thought. There was so much on my mind that brought over.

I'm glad to say, I smiled more. I smile so much than I ever could. Was that the balance? I'm not sure.

Within the last few days, so many things have happened. I became grateful of the things I have around me, I am more appreciative now.

That's good. for me. for now.

Goofy laughter.

When I close my eyes,
You are the first person I dream of.
The one who heard my cries,
The only one who knew when I cried wolf.
The reason behind my tears,
And the promised hugs.

You are that someone that I can never forget,
Especially when my feet taps to your singing.
With the strum of each string,
You pulled a tug in on to my heart.
I hate that you know,
Your importance in my life.

You made me hope for the impossible,
Then let me fall.
Into this dark blackhole,
Sucked into emptiness.
Now I'm back to square one,
Where we now beckon each other's heartbeat in a dip.