I've been searching for the past few days for that passion I've lost and I seem to have found it today or rather I think I realized certain points about the things that I've been searching for. To me, earthly matters never matter much, they are like pieces of chocolates for one to enjoy, that is pretty much all.
I don't own a Blackberry or an Iphone, nor do I strive for branded goods. One of the things that I feel that I've always been searching for is my own style. I don't like to see someone having something that I've got. I'm super anal about that.
I've set aside time to with some issues and until I get on track with my new job, I'm still keen on finding my own peace and quiet.
I was still finding out why I set myself down, to get certain things done. I've found some reasons to keep me cool. It was almost like my soul was so broken and no one could understand- this includes myself.
I find that I resort to so many ways to avoid how I really feel. I keep on putting in and adding on other emotions that aren't mine. The worst part? I'm getting used to it. I think all these pretending made me tired.
I stop putting on make-up now because I feel tired and thank god for my current working environment. I stop smiling as much now because I feel tired and I don't wanna pretend anymore. I lost the reason to why I smile. All this is eating up soul up so slowly like maggots to a pie.
I guess I'm really have so much pride eh? Even if I'm hurt, I'll refuse to say it out because why? Because I'm strong enough to take care of myself and that's how it is. I can never afford to be reliant now.
"All my pride is all I have".
Sorry that I've been selfish, sorry that I just can't let you in now, sorry that I don't tell you how I really feel at times because I feel insecure when I'm weak and I hate people around.
Sidenote: To Momma, 3 years without you has been hard but I will continue to move on and be strong! I miss you.