Choices and tasks to be done.

I've been searching for the past few days for that passion I've lost and I seem to have found it today or rather I think I realized certain points about the things that I've been searching for. To me, earthly matters never matter much, they are like pieces of chocolates for one to enjoy, that is pretty much all.

I don't own a Blackberry or an Iphone, nor do I strive for branded goods. One of the things that I feel that I've always been searching for is my own style. I don't like to see someone having something that I've got. I'm super anal about that.

I've set aside time to with some issues and until I get on track with my new job, I'm still keen on finding my own peace and quiet.

I was still finding out why I set myself down, to get certain things done. I've found some reasons to keep me cool. It was almost like my soul was so broken and no one could understand- this includes myself.

I find that I resort to so many ways to avoid how I really feel. I keep on putting in and adding on other emotions that aren't mine. The worst part? I'm getting used to it. I think all these pretending made me tired.

I stop putting on make-up now because I feel tired and thank god for my current working environment. I stop smiling as much now because I feel tired and I don't wanna pretend anymore. I lost the reason to why I smile. All this is eating up soul up so slowly like maggots to a pie.

I guess I'm really have so much pride eh? Even if I'm hurt, I'll refuse to say it out because why? Because I'm strong enough to take care of myself and that's how it is. I can never afford to be reliant now.

"All my pride is all I have".

Sorry that I've been selfish, sorry that I just can't let you in now, sorry that I don't tell you how I really feel at times because I feel insecure when I'm weak and I hate people around.

Sidenote: To Momma, 3 years without you has been hard but I will continue to move on and be strong! I miss you.

R.I.P. 26/10/2007

Eat, Pray, Love.

Initially, I wanted to or rather, I was actually deciding on whether to do a review. Then, I just kinda strike it off because it is just unnecessary.

As you guys already know, this is by Elizabeth Gilbert, that is the only reference that I'm gonna tell ya. So if you have no idea about what the hell I'm talking about, shoo off.

I find this movie meaningful personally because it agrees with my prinicipals. Enjoy what you have and screw up, but be fine with it. Smile from within. Jump into the unknown.

I was still trying to figure out the difference between my trips and for some weird reason, I've been rating it against exposure. This goes against my theory of "things can never happen over again" idea, hence I was unable to comprehend it and gauge it because it was too far off.

I guess the worst thing was; I had expectations. I have hoped that things remain as it was in my memories. Naive me. I had the innate ability to adapt but also to observe, but not this time.

I thought that I was more exposed to everything, maybe I really was but a part of me held back.

The more I was trying to find "freedom" or to enjoy the moment, the more I had control, the more I thought. There was so much on my mind that brought over.

I'm glad to say, I smiled more. I smile so much than I ever could. Was that the balance? I'm not sure.

Within the last few days, so many things have happened. I became grateful of the things I have around me, I am more appreciative now.

That's good. for me. for now.

Goofy laughter.

When I close my eyes,
You are the first person I dream of.
The one who heard my cries,
The only one who knew when I cried wolf.
The reason behind my tears,
And the promised hugs.

You are that someone that I can never forget,
Especially when my feet taps to your singing.
With the strum of each string,
You pulled a tug in on to my heart.
I hate that you know,
Your importance in my life.

You made me hope for the impossible,
Then let me fall.
Into this dark blackhole,
Sucked into emptiness.
Now I'm back to square one,
Where we now beckon each other's heartbeat in a dip.

Cambodia and Vietnam!

Hello people, it's been 2 years plus since I've travel to the once familiar island and a very different country. Safe to say, I'm enjoying every single bit of it, where I have my freedom and bike trips. I love it totally!

Check back again soon with photos I hope.

See ya!

You have no reign over me now.

I think that just did it. I had my closure and I can literally feel myself now, all my emotions and feelings that was once trapped; got released. I feel so dumb for letting myself going through that phrase, that situation that is never up to me.

Never liked being control.

Me? Never weak. I'm the fearless bitch.

It's time.

I'm going into my seclusion mode very soon and I think that it is suitable for my coming events.

So much has happened since the break-up, many of which I am not able to describe in words. I think that I have grown up so much since then. This is the period of time when I laugh and cry my whole heart out, it is also the time that I tried searching for the things I've missed.

I think that I am in my purest form now because I just allow myself to be open, to absorb what the world has to bring. There is a throbbing pain that I am facing, a feeling that something bad's gonna happen. The last time when it happened, I predicted my break-ups.

I hate to see what is coming next, but I find that I need to face it like a man or a woman, face to face.

Staring at the moonlight I seek,
For the one who was meant to be.
The face is blurry with shimmering glares,
A hand held me tight and close.

A love so wrong to begin with,
Our daring hearts took a risk.
A jump that was never meant to be,
Yet the feelings just flow in.

Now; the alone me,
Staring at the same skies we love to see.
Much has changed but the heart still beats,
The scene repeated without a twist.

Can I still have the chance to dream,
Even as condemned as I could be.
For that one kiss to believe,
It was all meant to be to begin with.

In our own whirlwind of nothingness,
Our binding souls held close.
Even if it was for an instance,
Is it so hard if it was just a plea?

Never did I expect my heart to beat,
To the rhythms of your music.
Look at me in the eye and tell me,
Tell me that it wasn't real and I will believe.

Enough is enough.

My bad habits.

I think that I just need to write them so that I feel more sane and less perfect.

1. I like to have reading materials when I do my business in the loo.

2. I can be lazy when I wanna need to remove my make-up, sometimes I sleep with it on.

3. I like sleeping on the couch.

4. I like dancing in the bathroom.

5. I can smoke wherever actually, as long as there isn't anyone elderly that I am blood related to around.

6. I am a messy girl, I don't tidy lotsa my things in my room, or my wardrobe or my bed for that matter.

7. I love procrastinating.

8. I am straightforward, blunt and very to the point. I hate beating around the bush; it really doesn't matter who you are, I will tell it like it is. This is something that I will never change. Hence, I don't have good EQ skills, whatever.

9. I actually like pimples and pain; so tattoos and piercings attract me a whole lot.

10. I like money but I don't LOVE money. I like to shop and I don't care if anyone else thinks less of it.

-----

There, right at the top of my head. I hate people who are so trapped and well, "close-minded", because I don't judge or rather, I try not to. It's okay to be who you are, to be weird, dumbfounded, stumble on bricks and to enjoy.

If you are always stuck in stressful situations, it's gonna just freak you out, over and over again. If you so restricted by rules and regulations then just forget it and move on.

I am planning on something now, well, more on enjoying life. So yeah! I will update on that again, I think. Anything else, I am still smiling- at the end of the day. It's always a battle, but if you walk out confidently at the end of it, you are the winner.

The mess don't matter.

Thanks pop.

Now I'm gonna count down to the days that I will move out. Seriously, I need to know how to take care of myself in the outside world. I will get a fucking full-time job and move out because it ain't worth it. Suffocation is all that I've been getting.

You have never ever asked me about what I wanted and all you ever do is to raise your hand out for moolah. I'm sick of it. You'll see, I will be capable with my two own hands and two own feet.

I will work my ass off to prove you wrong.

突然累了

吃飯吃到睡了
我開車開到傻了
我看書看到你了
開始懷疑我怎麽了
説話說到吐了
我寫歌寫到瘋了

我累了.

I think reality really pushes me.

Erm ya, I'm starting to work part-time next week, for two jobs. I think that I will be happier working part-time anyday. Yes, I'm all smiley today, and I initially was preparing it to be a bad one. Nope, not even the rain could break my smile.

I also have some uncensored stuff to share. Yes, apparently my life has been either interesting or complicated, never simple. I can on so many wild trips, meeting so many different people that i just can't stop well, moving.

My self prophecies are fulfilling me, as usual. I get everything I wanted out of them, of short-term planning, well almost everything. I'm not THAT greedy right? It seems like if I want to, I can get more guys than I ask for and if I don't, I am fine with it.

Well then there is just one guy, when I was talking to him, I feel completely me, myself and nothing else. When I talk about him to my friends, I got dissed. When I talking about leaving him, I got dissed as well. At the end of the day, when I know what I want, it was too late and now we aren't even friends, are we?

We do have to lose something to move on right? But of course, not without regrets. Once again, sorry. That's the least that I could offer now.

I'm gonna let time slowly pass.

"It was perfect; long, pink and amazing" Samantha Jones/ Carrie Bradshaw - Sex In the City

This is how I feel now.

Tonight I made a fool of myself. I guess I just needed this; after 6 months of storing, distracting myself from the world. Or even 3 years of pain that I wasn't willing to share, it just came out like an outburst of of nowhere. Everything was stored in my tiny heart. Maybe I just needed to be weak, to heal; all over again.

I will smile again, I promise.

From my private blog.

Dear future missunpredictable,

Please let me know if you did move on, what happened? I wanna be stronger than over, just to move on.

Regards,
The current missunpredictable

Dear past missunpredictable,

You should have closed yourself up and threw the key away. Remember the chest? It was your sign of no return. Now, you shall be damned for this period of time and future missunpredictable, NEVER LOOK BACK. You did what you have to, move on; move along.

Regards,
The current missunpredictable.

I know how I sound like now.

Ok, I know that I'm gonna sound like a Taitai again; but I'm leaving.

So y'all, take care alright.

I get don't get it.

Why is it that at the end of the day, when you are truely upset; it is always the some other guy who walks around RANDOMLY asks, "How's your day?" that makes you smile? It just does not make any fucking sense, the equation just don't add up. Do guys love doing that? RANDOMLY asking girls "How are you?" so that maybe sometime in the week, they hope to score her?

It is so fucked up. And why are women so emotional? Is it because we are made that way? I really hate the fact that I hope, because it always kills me. I went to take an aura photo yesterday and other than sharing it with people who understood it, I wanted someone else to know. It's killing me but I know that I have to do it.

I am also sick of the fact that everyone of us; ladies, we are constantly asking ourselves what went wrong, and puts it on self-blame. It really will damage our self-esteem in the long run. That's why we end up so insecure in next relationship, because of our emotional bagguage. It tugs us so down that when try to be up about it, we will only sink lower at the end of the day. It's heavy so maybe that's why we feel breathless when the next relationship comes.

And why is it that when guys are concerned, they just stalk them whenever they can, ideally online? I know that there at least two guys who constantly checks on what I write and it irks me. It's like what my ex said, that is only care and concern that I can give right now, knowing how you are doing for the time being.

Seriously, WTF for? So what if you do know if I am happy, upset or hungry (intended) ? How is it going to be beneficial to you when the information is one way? Or is it the fact that it satisfies your curiosity that made you smile? Guys just take in information and women willingly give it, who is at the losing end? US.

I guess I'm just tired of being upset at the end of the day. I want to feel like smiling is not a chore, but something that comes from the heart. I think when I was searching for that Joanne 3 years back; I was searching for that sincere smile I found in Cambodia. That was when someone looked at me with my short, long-tailed hair style, my specs, and t-shirt and tribal pants and said that "You are beautiful" that stirred me up. It also made me realized that we remembered things more when we are down.

When you are happy, you don't think so much about it, you just smile and enjoy it. But when you are mad or upset, you remember it best. It makes you think a whole lot, to gather points to, make references to and it makes you want to understand the situation which ideally in the first place was not meant to be understood, that's why we got so bewildered by it.

I really don't know how I feel now; everything was clear and now it's blurred.

Sick of being controlled.

I wanna be in control of my life now. I don't know if this will turn out alright; but just let me try ok?

STOP CONTROLLING ME! Let me be as I am.

Please, I beg.

101 on how to make a guy dump you without letting him feeling guilty.

1. Tell him that you have been fucking around with guys; have fuckbuddies.

2. Being emotional; go crazy everywhere- on tumblr, blogger, twitter and facebook.

3. Smoke, furiously.

4. Appear online all the time.

5. Try getting pet names for each other. The sweeter the better.

6. Name his *ahems*.

7. Pretend that you cherish every single thing that he gave you. Like, LOVE them.

8. Be persistent in irritating him; hog him whenever you can.

9. Cry and get emotional with him. Just cry or sound like you are crying, it'll do.

10. Be stalkerish. Just stalk whatever that he has, make sure that he doesn't know.

Wait for the results.

This dude is awesome.

"Cooler Than Me" - Mike Posner (Ukulele Cover)

If you can make fun of yourself or make a mistake and dare to post it up, you have balls man.

I'm coming back.

I am starting back on my new journey and this is still me. Fuck all those posts beforehand. He doesn't matter now in my life and I shall burn that box one day, I swear. So what am I doing now?

Smoking and I was damn aware that I am left with 3 sticks and today is my third day. I wanted to start writing in my diary for like the number nth time but I find myself lazy, my wardrobe pretty messed up with new clothes that I bought and haven't been wearing. I wasn't out for like 2 days; am I going mad? Yes dear, I am.

I also said that I NEED to be doing up my passport before I'm leaving for a day trip soon and I didn't. I will definitely get it done by tomorrow, god kill me if I don't.

And I happen to think that I am interesting this way. Seriously, when I read back on my previous posts. When I am open with who I am, I can be so funny. When I am not bothered by people who are gonna judge, I am pretty fine that way and people respected me for that.

I need to fucking love myself more; else I will be trapped in another whirlpool all over again and readers (if you are still there, stalking; whatever), you know me.

Not gonna let another guy to take my heart down. Been through that and I turned out to be stronger than before, I know damn well that I can do that too. I have so much capabilities that even my resume won't be able to take it.

So really, what the hell am I doing now? Being happily unemployed and living my life in a SHITHOLE, well, it wasn't as bad as the last one *points at my previous job*, I seriously think that I can do better.


Two things that I'm gonna get at the end of the day, a monroe piercing and a tattoo for Fifi, and I am going to research on whatever just to make sure that I'd be safe and sound at the end of the day. And if that comes off as sucessful, I might just take my bike license, for real this time.

And after that, maybe a decent digital camera to work myself way through; not a DSLR mind you, that just scares the muthafucking shit outta me. Yea, I miss you old blog, because you know me best, and I know how to work you like the tech noob that I already was.

Anyways, to add on, no more London Boy. Since he wants to decide, I'm cool. I'm good to do whatever now. ;)

Right now, I am going to end off with a positive note.


WHAZZUP!

missunpredictable, out.